I think you’re talking to me. Or at least trying to…first, the moment under the mango tree of feeling so small and inadequate for such a big scary job and responsibility. And then yesterday. Oh these kids, they have my heart. Especially Louisiana and Sageline. Their smiles melt me. After spending the entire day with the two of them, I just wish I could take them home. After our workday at the orphanage we had another church service there and I definitely had a moment with you.
We’re sitting there in the church. I’m on the very end of one of the teeny tiny school desk benches with Louisiana in my lap. Jean Pierre is next to me and I have my arm around him with his tiny hand in mine. Next to Jean Pierre is a little guy who I haven’t spent much time with, his name is Waschneider and he is precious. After a few moments, I feel Waschneider’s small fingers in my hand that is holding Jean Pierre’s. He very slowly, minute by minute, begins nudging his fingers into my hand between Jean Pierre’s and mine. Before I know it, our three hands are all tightly interlocked. In this moment my heart breaks thinking of the physical touch these children desire. I fight back the tears. They just want to be with me and feel my physical presence.
After sitting there for a long while with all our hands intertwined and Louisiana in my lap I feel you speaking to me. You’re telling me that you, by your Holy Spirit, are trying to nudge your way into my life. Just like little Waschneider nudging his way into my hand and into my life. But I’m not really letting you…I’ve got some great excuses for not listening and for ignoring those nudges. I run a very busy schedule, I’m constantly on the go, I’m rarely home, I never sit still, and my time with you is usually a rushed time in your Word each morning followed by a quick prayer.
But if I’m honest, I think I’m mostly ignoring these nudges because I’m scared. I’m scared of what you’ll tell me, what you’ll expect and require of me. I struggle with believing the lies from satan that I will be completely insufficient for the task you’ve called me to.
But I no longer want to ignore those nudges. I want to feel and experience you and listen to you as you guide me. I want to remember little Waschneider’s hand nudging closely into mine. Help me be more sensitive to you and more willing to rest and listen.
I’m excited about what lies ahead; I know that you are all I need and you will make me be enough for whatever tasks you have for me. Thank you for using one of these precious little ones to teach me a little more about who You are Jesus.